BLOCKBUSTER BLUES

Filed by Rachel Leavenworth, Spirit Liason
GBI Case File No. GBWC-2009-27/319

April 8, 2009, 5:07 PM
Ghostbusters Omnibus Timeline Year Twenty-Seven
"In other news... we have a breaking story. Apparently, a strange blue apparition has been spotted throwing banana peels at the new Simpsons ride at Universal Studios, Hollywood... Security seems unable to stop the blue creature, nor determine where it is getting all those bananas from..."

Jeremy facepalmed. "Goddammit, Rachel," he said as the phone rang. He got up from the couch in the rec room and listened in on the conversation Rose had with the client on the other end. He'd been off that day and was the only one still in the warehouse when the call came, so when his cell started ringing, it wasn't a surprise to him. "Yeah, I'll take care of it," he answered simply as he walked down the stairs and got his uniform on and started walking towards the door.

"Wait, aren't you gonna take one of the cruisers?"

"For this bust, all I'll need is my car," he said as he opened the door and walked out. His '86 Bronco II was sitting there, almost looking bored. He got in, turned it on and backed out of his parking space and merged into traffic. It was going to be a long drive.

The ride manager came to meet him in the parking lot. "The bananas are the least of our problems. Every clock in the park has been set back to either midnight, September 3, 2007, or November 5, 1955. Even all the watches in the park have gone insane! The only timepieces that still read correctly are cell phones!"

Jeremy shook his head as he grabbed a pack from the Bronco. "How long ago did this start?" He grabbed a trap and put it on the built-in holster on the pack.

"As soon as the gates opened this morning," he moaned. "We've got tourists crowding around trying to get a better look, getting in our way- some of them even tried to break down the security cordon!"

You just had to get me outdoors today, didn't you? "OK, thank you for trying to keep the park-goers out of harm's way. I'll handle it from here." They approached the cordon and the security team members lifted the tape for him. He approached the spectre and cleared his throat. "Excuse me, but why are you doing this?"

Slimy banana peels smacked against Krusty's leering face. "DEATH TO SIMPSONS! REVERSE THE DEGRADATION OF AMERICAN POP CULTURE!"

He pulled the thrower and powered it up, seeing if that would get Rachel's attention.

"KILL ALL SIMPSONS! THE YELLOW PEOPLE ARE DEVILS! AND THEY HAVE NO BALLS!"

He aimed carefully at her, but when he fired he shot wide, hitting the giant Krusty marquee.

"WHOO! STICK IT TO THE MAN!" She hurled the last of the peels to the ground and began shooting fireballs instead, taking the misfire as an endorsement. "ATOMIC DEATH TO EVIL CLOWNS!"

"Damn recoil," he muttered, just a little pleased with himself as he took aim again, this time hitting her.

"HOLY S**T!" She started to go berserk. "Hey, you MISSED!" She turned back to the marquee and wriggled to get loose.

A couple of fans had broken through the barricade and almost got their heads singed by the beam, so he shut it down as quickly as possible.

She got up on top of the huge, horrifying visage, lay down, and began stomping her feet down onto it, a la Rick James. "What's good, Krusty?! What's really good?!"

He fought through the small crowd that had gathered around him as security got in and 'escorted' them out. He took aim again and managed to nab her foot, but not before melting part of Krusty's head to get to it. He smiled just enough to make it seem as if he was glad he'd gotten her, but he was very glad he'd gotten the park manager to sign the release forms beforehand.

She tried to pry beam loose and only got her wrists caught. "D**n! Your aim just sucks today!"

He shortened the stream to bring her closer to him and pulled out the trap, letting it dangle for a moment before he dropped it to the ground and rolled it under her. "Everyone! Don't look into the trap!" He stomped on the foot pedal and turned off the beam. Two seconds later, she was in the trap and the Krustyland marquee had almost completely melted to the ground. He wrote out the work order and handed it to the park manager, who was almost purple from holding in his rage. Jeremy just smiled, bowed, and walked out of the park with the trap in hand.
Later that night, in the wall grid containment room, Rachel was enjoying watching herself on the TV. "Melt that motherf**ker! Yeah!"

Fritz cringed as they observed her. "And to think Twilight fangirls used to scare me."

She giggled perversely. "Fire, fire!"

Jeremy turned the TV off. "Rachel, you put the entire company in a tight spot when you did that. I don't even wanna think about any conspiracy nuts out there that have guessed that you're in any way, shape, or form involved with the company. Do you realize what the Universal lawyers would do if they found out you're working for us?"

She shrugged. "OK, so it was rash." She struck a heroic pose. "But I'll accept the consequences! The voice of the people will not fade quietly into the night!"

"Rash? In one fell swoop, you could've gotten the ENTIRETY of GBI shut down because of this. I was upset when they announced they were closing the Back to the Future ride and replacing it with The Simpsons, but damn, I'm not gonna risk my job to screw up the Simpsons ride."

"I was only throwing bananas at it until you showed up! Geez! Who's gonna get anything shut down with bananas?! IT WAS JUST BANANAS!"

Fritz looked over at Jeremy. "Was she just throwing bananas?"

"Yeah, but she didn't stop until my first shot went wide and I hit the KrustyLand marquee, then she started throwing fireballs at it."

"After the atomic assault of doom, I didn't figure a couple fireballs could make it worse!"

Fritz started to rub his temples. "Did you at least get the park manager to sign the waivers?"

"Yes, I did."

"Then we don't have anything to worry about at the moment," he said as calmly as he could muster.

The Simpsons theme began to play on the TV. By reflex, she turned on it and blew it up. "DIE, C***SUCKER!"

"I thought I turned it off," Jeremy said simply as he turned, seeing Jason with the remote in his hand.

He looked justifiably shaken. "I just wanted to see what was on."

Rachel kept whaling on the TV's ruins. "Your mother sucks yellow c**ks in hell!"

Jeremy patted Jason on the back as he slowly took the now defunct remote out of his hand. "It's OK, Jason, don't worry about it." He turned to Rachel. "Don't ever let her catch you watching it ever again."

"I SWEAR ETERNAL, BURNING HATRED!" Crunch, crunch... The TV was far beyond any hope of repair.

Jason backed away slowly. "Boss, I came to ask you about something..."

"Can it wait?"

"Sorry, no..."

Jeremy and Rachel were left alone in the room. He sat down and rubbed his temples. "I'm just glad we have another one in reserve."

The TV was now in little, unidentifiable bits. Her rage subsided. "This ain't nothin'. Just you wait 'till Backdraft gets moved out- Transformers is gonna bleed for it, I tell you!" SHe shook her fist at the sky. "They will know what it is to be roasted in the depths of the Sloar!"

J just facepalmed at that quote. "That just brings back too many bad memories for me."

"THE SLOAR, I SAY!" She turned to him for a moment. "What the h**l is a Sloar again?"

"I don't know anymore," he said as he leaned back against the door.
Later that night, she found herself cleaning up after her tantrum. "So they say they'll nix the litigation if I clean out the bananas AND the melted Krusty head AND help them install the next one AND forfeit half my salary to cover their losses for the next YEAR?! BULLS**T!"

Fritz was unfazed. "You missed a spot, Rachel."

She swept up another splinter of glass, muttering darkly.

Jeremy just stood there. "Well, if they ever open a Ghostbusters ride, they can put the Krusty head in there with a sign on it saying 'Proton packs are not toys.'"

"Gimme a break," she muttered. "They don't give a crap about GOOD movies anymore." She went into a long string of arcane swear words.

Fritz moved to make her stop. "Talk to their people when you're ready to stop vomiting expletives every other sentence clause." He handed over a paper with their email on it and walked out.

J knelt down next to her. "But it did feel good to see that Krusty head melted beyond all recognition."

She turned to him and grinned slyly. "I knew you'd come around."
Her inaugural Hamburger Helper was a success. "Does this make up for me almost getting us sued?"

Jeremy swallowed. "Almost." He looked at what was left in the pan. He'd almost eaten half of it. He looked her squarely in the eyes. "Promise you'll never do that again."

She slumped. "Oh, come on. Do I have to? Backdraft closes on Labor Day..."

"Rachel..."

"Transformers?!"

"Rachel, for the good of the company, please."

She sighed unhappily. "Fine, fine, whatever."

"I'm not happy about it either, OK? It's a great demonstration of pyrotechnics and mechanical effects, but it's not what's popular anymore."

She got quiet. "Neither are we."

END

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